Manipulation & Shadow
Last week I was manipulated and deceived at work.
Yes, that sounds awfully dramatic, and this post is not to bitch over those details, but there you have it: I was deliberately misled and then deliberately set up in front of my boss(es) and clients. It’s odd, right? People don’t normally work that way. (Though, I suppose quite normal if you’re a Ewing or on The Apprentice.)
One of the people who lied to me – meh – I’d expect it of him. he has lied to me so frequently at work that I’ve managed to not be ruffled by the experience. So that didn’t really strike me to the core.
The other person – who had a more active role in manipulation – is someone I consider a Work Friend, and THAT has been the hardest to handle. Work Friend, wha’chu doing?
This same Work Friend has actually pulled similar manipulation stuff (both emotional and event-oriented) with me several times before. I have spoken with this person about feeling manipulated and have articulated how what went down in the past was not respectful.
The response that I received all *three* times I brought up an issue was “You need to look within yourself…I’m not doing anything, if you see this, you need to ask yourself what you’re doing to see this…”
The first time, I really did consider this perspective.
The second time, I said to myself, ‘Maybe it’s me. Yet I smell a pattern.’
The third time: “Hmmm. Seems like shadow.”
The fourth time occurred last week in front of bosses and clients.
Now, it’s a problem.
Of course, I got triggered by this drama. My own shadow (definition of shadow: that which I hide, repress, or deny) wants to get all righteous and outraged at how I was treated.
I was wronged! Work Friend needs to know how I was wronged and must suffer to feel my vengy wrath! Everyone must know how terribly I was put upon. O the humanity!
And yet…
That desire for punishment – well, it comes from shadow. The whole reason I want to know my shadow is so that I don’t have to unconsciously (or consciously!) act it out. Knowing that my desire for righteous rage actually comes from the part of me that destroys relationships feels really horrible.
Attempting to live by some warrior standards does not give me a handle on moral superiority. It doesn’t work that way. I still get angry, feel hurt, have petty responses. I seethed for a week at being manipulated by someone who I consider a friend. I still feel hurt. And I don’t feel above punching back: I’ve reflected on a dozen subtle and unsubtle ways of making my displeasure known.
The Work Friend is a pretty wonderful person, actually. Work Friend is damn good at doing their job probably 80% of the time. And in order to accomplish everything that’s hard about that job, this Work Friend sometimes resorts to manipulation. This manipulation is that person’s shadow rising into power under circumstances that must feel threatening, challenging.
So, I get it. And I’d be a liar if I said “I’ve never done anything like this.” One of the reasons it rankles me so is because I have that capability in me and dislike that it’s there.
Problem is that this particular shadow in Work Friend involves me being set up in front of colleagues and clients. So I’m really unsure how to proceed with Work Friend. Conversations around my perceptions of manipulation did NOT go well. In fact, this shadowy manipulation has escalated.
So now, do I quietly withdraw the friendship? Or is that another manifestation of my own shadow – to run away? Is there some way for me to shine light on this situation that doesn’t include my creating an exit strategy?
And yet, is it healthy for me to be pals with someone who continues to permit their unconscious shadow to treat me like shit? I have no problem with Work Friend having a shadow. I know I bring mine to work. However, the *unconsciousness* is the real danger.
I don’t have an answer here. But I’ll keep looking.
