This is what it’s all about
Last night the phone rang at 11:15 p.m.
It was another warrior. He was returning a phone call of mine from earlier in the day. (We’re working on a MKP project together and needed to exchange some data.)
I was furious! Didn’t he have any clue how late it was? What made him think it was okay to call so late? I was angry with him and made sure he heard my anger on the phone. (This is the great thing about being a warrior - expressing my feelings.)
He told me what he needed to tell me and shortly thereafter our phone call ended. I was still really upset. I stewed about it for a bit and realized there was something ’shadowy’ in him calling me at 11:00 p.m. and the reasons he gave me for thinking it was acceptable to call so late. So, I wrote him an email asking him to look at the shadow in calling so late.
This morning, he called me. He asked me to just…listen. (This is also great - he gets to ask for exactly what he wants.)
He told me that he got my email and had been reflecting on ‘the shadow’ that may have been present in calling me so late. He said that what came up for him was that he is intimidated by my physical size, and the possibility that I might get angry with him, so he was trying to be extra accommodating by calling me back RIGHT AWAY. He emphasized that this intimidation on his part is just part of his own background and issues…he just projected the fear of my being angry onto him.
(Ironic side note: as is often the case with unconscious shadow present, we end up creating the reality that we were trying to avoid. I have experienced this oh-so-many times.)
Now, this is the thing I love about warriors. Last night I was REALLY angry with him on the phone. And then I wrote him an email telling him I thought he was in shadow.
And so what does he do to retaliate?
Why, he calls me the next morning and opens up his heart to me. Shows me his vulnerability and his projections. Owns them.
On the phone, I just totally felt myself melt towards this man who was acting so courageously. He called someone he was ‘afraid of’ and made himself vulnerable. How can you not doubly respect and love a guy like that? And then he did something even harder…
He then said that he thought my reaction last night was disproportionate. He said that he thought my instant anger was about something else.
So not only did he make himself vulnerable, he then told his truth and called me on *my shit* even if it might bring back the anger in me. But that was his truth, and bless his heart, he had to share it. (Yay! Warriors!)
I listened until he was finished (as I promised I would) and then realized he was right - my anger WAS out of proportion. So I shared with him that this task we’re doing together - this project we’re on - is really stressing me out. It’s hard. And very time consuming. And I don’t have all the data, and I’m afraid of screwing it up, and I’m just afraid of letting everyone down. I wanted to volunteer for this role and do it gracefully, be calm and wonderful and everyone would say, “Wow, what a great leader he is.” But the reality is…I’m not so graceful at this. I’m having a hard time.
(My turn to be vulnerable.)
I confessed that I’m afraid of this project role I volunteered for overwhelming my life. Overwhelming me. So when he “violated” one of my sacred-of-sacred rules by calling late, I reacted with all the energy and fear unconsciously stowed up in my own shadow. After I shared this, I apologized.
All this resolution happened in about 15 minutes on the phone. It was a pretty tight conversation. He owned his shit, I owned mine, and we ended with blessing the work that each other is doing for our community. And the thing is, I trust him more. Instead of conflict driving us apart, I think it drove us a little bit closer together.
And in the end, that’s what this warrior work is all about to me: I figure out my shadow through interacting with other men who aren’t afraid to call me on it. Sometimes it’s a little scary. And yet tonight, I’m feeling closer to this man, and really impressed with his courage and truth-telling.