When I saw the $320 charge on my credit card for a Hilton I never visited, my first thought was “Somebody made a mistake. They screwed this up.”

Almost instantly the circumstances of my Hilton check-in on a recent work trip to Virginia came back to me. They didn’t have my reservation despite my protests and confidence that I *did* make that reservation. I even had a confirmation number! Well, I did make a reservation elsewhere – the Arlington VA Hilton instead of the Alexandria VA Hilton – and I never showed up in Arlington. I stayed at the Alexandria Hilton.

So, yes, a mistake was made. By me. And the Arlington Hilton charged me for that mistake.

My next reaction was to think, ‘There’s got to be a way out of this! There’s got to be a way to blame them, or make work pay for it! I mean…*I* certainly can’t afford that kind of mistake…maybe I can blame the Hilton reservation taker and say she screwed up…”

As my mind raced through the blaming possibilities, I (uncomfortably) realized what a warrior would do: take responsibility for the consequences (intended or unintended) of his actions.

Damn it.

Some days I do not like this warrior journey. Most days I love it – I feel more free, more alive, more…everything. And then there’s this sticky business of accountability and responsibility. How I cheat myself and my life journey by being out of integrity.

A new vision began to unfold.

I would call the hotel and ask them if they would consider releasing me from the $320 charge. I would ask them for help. I would acknowledge my culpability. Ugh. I hate that. Another word popped into mind as I contemplated this: vulnerability. After all, they might say ‘no.’ They might not give me what I want. And then how will I feel to have asked – and been turned down? Would I ask for work to cover this expense even though it’s my mistake? Maybe. I’m not sure how I feel about that either.

In some ways, it’s not a huge, life-changing deal. I mean, it’s only money. (Uh…money I don’t really have to spare, but still…money.) On the other hand, it’s pushing all my buttons: vulnerability, self-forgiveness for making mistakes, asking for help, asking for what I want at risk of not getting it. And THAT is what makes it related to warrior work.

Warrior work is about improving every relationship or growing more of what I want in my life. It’s about living my mission, telling my truth. It also means looking at the shadow to every day details and events to ponder what they reveal about me.

What kind of man am I going to be when I respond to this incident? A man who blames others for his own mistakes because, after all, it’s $320 I don’t have to spare during the Christmas season? Or a man who accepts responsibility for an expensive mistake and asks for help? A man who accepts that the outcome of this incident may result in me paying for an expensive night in a hotel that I never had. My mistake.

There isn’t going to be a happy ending to this story – for now at least. I called the Hilton in Virginia and nobody was available. I hope they listen to their voicemail soon. In the meantime, I’m going to practice cultivating some gratitude for this mistake and what it has already shown me about myself. I’m not quite at the ‘Golly, I sure am grateful for this!’ place (note the sarcasm), and I’m already softening the internal message that I’m stupid or a screw up…already giving myself a chance to breathe and practice forgiveness.

It’s easy to feel gratitude for self-forgiveness. It’s easy to be grateful for that loving quality nurtured in me. And in the end, $320 isn’t that much to pay to find out I can make mistakes and be kind to myself anyway.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 28th, 2006 at 11:09 am and is filed under Gratitude, Warrior. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.